YOU are Rather Dashing, a humble peasant living in the peasant kingdom of Peasantry.
You return home from a vacation on Scalding Lake only to find that TROGDOR THE BURNINATOR has burninated your thatched roof cottage along with all your goods and services.
With nothing left to lose, you swear to get revenge on the Wingaling Dragon in the name of burninated peasants everywhere.
# Intro 1
You head east towards the mountain atop which TROGDOR lives.
All your baubles and trinkets, your flasks and scrolls, your goblets and staffs! BURNINATED!! (And then, if you haven't taken the map yet:) Looks like there's a piece of unburninated paper on the ground.
You grab up a handful of fairly substantial pebbles. You make sure to get an even mix of sedentary, igneous, and, um, sureptitious rocks.
# + throw baby
Something tells you this is a good idea and you lob the little one into the lake.
You won't be arrested after all! The little guy has resurfaced safely, carrying an old bottle of soda. You take the soda and stow your swaddling buddy for takeoff.
Not in this game, Swimmer Dan! In this game, you drown.
# + skip stones
You've always been terrible at skipping stones. And you're even worse at just plain throwing rocks in lakes. You decide to save yourself the embarrassment.
# + get berries
NO MAN! JEEZ!
# + get pebbles/rocks (from too far)
You do your best Mr. Fantastic impression, but you can't reach from here.
# + throw baby (before getting the baby)
I think you misread the walkthrough on GameFAQs. You gotta get the baby first.
# + throw baby (after getting the soda)
Baby Dashing is a little waterlogged from the toss, and you read his soft gurgling to mean that there's no more soda left.
# + throw baby/feed (at south side)
Maybe try again from the center of the lake. Looks deeper there.
# (Leave the screen after putting the baby in the bucket)
Nice try. Ditch the baby at the bottom of the well, eh? Thought you'd be able to just walk away and it's nothing by mead and wenches from now on, huh? Well guess what? You dead. Thanks for playing.
Pretty average. You're not a big well person. You're more into bridges. It does have a cute little bucket though. Your dad liked buckets. Oh, and there's a metal crank too. Meemaw loved cranks.
# + look crank (before putting pebbles in the bucket)
It looks rusted in place.
# + look crank (after putting pebbles in the bucket)
That is a bonafide crank. It seems to work now.
# + look in well
It's dark and welly in there. Smell like stank too.
The crank seems to have loosened and you haul the bucket back up. What's this? Why there's a monster maskus in there! No doubt leftover from some pagan ritual. Silly pagans.
You grab up the scary moster maskus. Man, this thing could scare a horse!
You haul the bucket back up. Lucky for you, the baby is still in it and appears to be unscathed. As a bonus, it looks like he found a Meatball sub down there. Score! You take the sub.
"Oh, hi. I'm Mendelev," says the archer. "I used to run a shooting range here with my brother Dongolev. But we don't talk so much anymore. I haven't seen him in a Jhonka's age. If you ever run into him, tell him I said 'haldo'.
"You mean 'hello,'" you ask?
"Oh, um. No. Shut up. I said 'haldo' and I meant 'haldo.' Tell him I said 'haldo.'"
# + give super trinket
"That'll work," says Mendelev. Just hit 3 bullseyes and you win the SuperTime FunBow TM!"
"The ARROW KEYS aim left and right and the SPACE BAR operates the bow. You'll need to press it a couple of times to get a nice shot off but we don't give lessons so you're on your own."
# (get [X]=3-5 bullseyes)
"Nice shootin! [X] hits." Says Mendelev. "Here's your prize!" You got the SuperTime FunBow TM! We don't sell ammo, so you'll have to find your own arrows for it.
# + ask about fire (all ask abouts m&d must both be there)
"Trogdor just burned down some idiot peasant's cottage. You should ask him," says Mendelev. / "Yeah, this jerk goes on vacation to some prancey lake and..." / They see you staring daggers at them and turn bright red. / "Oh. Nevermind," says Dongolev. "Um, yeah. What's a fire?" adds Mendelwhatever.
# + ask about naked ned
"That guy creeps us out. In fact, shut up about him."
# + ask about robe
"We wouldn't know. We only wear archer clothes. You just can't arch real well in a robe, y'know?"
# + ask about smell
"That giant pig running around sure smells bad. Maybe talk to him."
# + ask about trogdor
"Oh man, there was this one time when I came THIS close to having Trogdor ARROWED!" says Dongolev. / "Hey, shut up! That was me!" interrupts Mendelev, "YOU almost arrowed that blue baby!" says Dongolev. / "Did not!" / "Did so!" / "Did not!" / (You see where this is going.)
# + ask about (unknown)
"Either we don't know anything about that, or you're real boring."
# + haldo (after Dongolev has returned)
"HALDO!!"
# + play game (before saying haldo to Dongolev)
The gallery's not open and you got no bow or arrows, Cupid.
# + get/take/steal target
No. Those will fall on you and more than likely kill you.
# + get/take/steal arrow
They have 'RANGE' printed on them, so it would be kind of embarrassing to have to shoot around with them. Also, that guy over there is giving you the evil eye.
# + talk (while away from or behind the desk)
"Why don't you saddle up to the front of the table there, cowboy?"
There's a good chance that horse has NEVER eaten. I doubt he'll start now.
# + ride horse/poor gary (before he's gone)
Naw, snapping horse spines just doesn't seem as cool as it did in high school.
# + pet horse/poor gary (before he's gone)
Aww, that's sweet. Poor Gary tries in vain to bite your arm off.
# + scare horse (before getting the mask)
You tell Gary the THE CALLS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!! one but he doesn't act very scared. He's probably heard it before. or: You tell Gary about how much cholesterol is in hay and how his arteries are probably all black and clogged. He shrugs it off. or: You tell Gary the story about the kid who pops this big zit he has and all these baby spiders come out. It doesn't phase him.
# + kick/kill/punch poor gary (before scaring) (Warning: Needless to say, this kills you.)
You attempt to cause Poor Gary harm for no good reason other than you kinda suck at this game. {Poor Gary kicks you} WOW! For a decrepit old horse, Poor Gary still packs a mean whallop. You dead. Thanks for playing.
# + kick/kill/punch poor gary (after scaring)
Gary's gone now. Let go. Just let go./Let go!
# + kill flies (before scaring him)
Those flies and that horse's butt have a symbiotic relationship. You have no right to disrupt that.
# + climb/jump fence before scaring)
No, you have business to attend to here in Peasantry.
# + climb/jump fence after scaring)
More like you should walk through that gaping hole in it. Just an idea.
# + get flies (before scaring him)
You nasty. Besides, they wouldn't survive a minute away from that horse's butt.
# + talk gary (when he's there)
Your attempts at conversation are met with horse grunts and tail flaps. Which is better than you do at conversation with most people.
You had a cottage once. A lot like this one. *sniff* Trogdor will pay!
# + look door
# (This response repeats whatever your command was back at you. When typing commands, you can put anything you want between the command and the object and it will still work, so here, if you type "look at door" or "look at the ugly brown door" or "lookasdfasdfdoor", it will put that in between the quotes.)
Listen to you, "look door" What kinda gaming is that? It's a door and it's closed.
You reach into the bush to snag some berries but they all just squish in your hand.
# + get berries (second bush)
Man, nothing in this bush but squished berries either.
# + get berries (third bush)
Too bad you don't want any squished berries, cuz hey: jackpot!
# + get berries (fourth bush)
You reach into the bush to snag you some berries but instead find a Super Trinket! These things are awesome! You have a sneaking suspicion that SOMEONE in this game will need this thing.
"Okay, here's why I let you in here," she explains. "My husband got squished by Trogdor. And to make matters worse, the insurance riches I got were stolen by Jhonka. Go steal them back for us and I'll give you something great."
You used to eat this stuff like crazy when you were a kid and your parents weren't watching (which was all too often). You grab several large handfuls.
"My riches!!" she screams and snatches up every last gold coin. "Thanks, sucker! Here you go!" she shoves the baby into your hands and bolts out the door.
You later learn that she does this all the time and is wanted throughout the countryside. Those riches probably WERE the Jhonka's and who knows whose baby that is. Well, it's yours now. Baby lady cottage
# + (leaving)
the baby lady calls after you, "Hey, you're on some quest right? Well, the little squirt here lost something of mine in the yard the other day. It's yours if you can find it."
"This little guy's all I got left. If only someone would steal back all our riches from that filthy Jhonka."
# + ask about fire
"You need fire? A couple of trees over by the waterfall used to be on fire. But now there's like a signal lantern over there or something." / "So should I ask that signal lantern?" you ask. / "I dunno man! Whattaya want from me?"
# + ask about Jhonka
"That nasty thing killed my husband and took my riches!!" / "I thought Trogdor killed your husband," you interject. / "Oh right. Yeah. That's what I said. Trogband killed my husbdor."
# + ask about naked ned
"Don't talk about that pervert in front of the baby here."
# + ask about robe
"You can't have mine, pervert! I'm not a nudist peasant like that weirdo over in west Peasantry!"
# + ask about smell
"What smells is junior here's drawers! I gotta quit feeding him so much horse!" / "And don't start asking me for his diapers, sicko!"
# + ask about trogdor
"I hope you kill that stupid dragon. My 'Wives of Squished Peasants' support group would bake you a Poor Gary pie if you did."
# + ask about (unknown)
"I dunno what you're talking about."
# + sleep
That's probably how the first baby got here. Forget it.
# + get gold/money
Um, that's chicken feed.
# + get hay
There's a huge bale a couple of screens over from here. Why bother stealing?
# + get stuff/food
Which foodstuffs?
# + get pillow
You don't have anywhere to use it and it is rather bulky, so you leave it.
# + give (anything not listed)
We don't need that mess.
# + give trinket
'Did you find that thing in my yard?' she asks. 'I got that thing free in a box of Plaguezees. I need some FOR REAL riches!'
# + give trinket (after giving trinket to Mendelev)
'Why are you holding your hand out?' she asks. 'I told you I need riches, so I can't give em away.' You don't have a trinket to give, you realize.
# + give riches (after giving the riches)
We did that already, and it was sort of humiliating.
# + give riches (before getting the riches)
'That's right,' she whines. 'Find my riches, and give here.'
# + look man/guy/peasant/old guy/old man (while he is fishing)
An older peasant sits silently in a boat with his line in the water.
# + look sand
One million three hundred thousand seventy-four hundred and sixty two... One million three hundred thousand seventy-four hundred and sixty three... Drat! You lost count again.
# + look boat/dinghy (while he is fishing)
Keep your eyes off my dinghy!
# + look boat/dinghy (after he is gone)
It was loaned out to the Fishing Challenge videogame.
You toss the feed into the lake. You shed a tear for each one. "Goodbye, Monty" you sniff. "Bye Delga, Rasputin. Farewell, Combledon!" and so forth.
Woah! That crotchety old man just caught a pantload of fish! "Now I can get back to running the inn," he says and rows to shore and hauls his boat out and cleans, guts, and filets all the fish and a buncha other stuff we didn't animate.
# + buy kerrek a cold one (in the Kerrek's domain while he's still alive)
# (Warning: This speeds the Kerrek up, so be careful.)
The kerrek is a teetotaller and is offended by your offer. You've really cheesed him off now.
# + make friends with kerrek
Look, it didn't work for Strongbad and it's not gonna work for you either.
# + load / save (while he's still alive)
You can't be fumbling with a floppy while the Kerrek is bearing down on you.
# + kill kerrek (he is there, no bow or arrow)
With what?! You got no weapons except your butter-knife wit.
# + kill kerrek (he is there, you have arrow but not bow)
With what?! You gonna throw that arrow at him?
# + kill kerrek (he is there, you have bow, not arrow
With what?! You got no arrow, fool!
# + kill kerrek (he is dead)
Yeah. You smote the Kerrek. You deserve a trophy full of Mutton-ums.
# + kill kerrek (he is not there)
Good idea. But you kinda need the actual Kerrek to be here for that to work.
# + get arrow (after killing)
Eww! No way. That thing's got some serious Kerrek-Brand kooties on it now.
# + get kerrek
Well, he does smell real bad. But he's a bit too big to fit in your pocket.
# + look belt (still alive)
Yecch. I wouldn't touch that unless it was, like, an important quest item or something.
# + look kerrek (immediately after killing him)
He dead. And the only thing of value on him is his stinky belt buckle.
# + look kerrek (immediately after taking the belt)
He dead.
# + look kerrek (while he's decomposing)
He dead. You didn't think he could have smelled any worse? Well, guess what: He smells worse.
# + look kerrek (when he's all bones)
He dead. He wasn't fat, he was just big boned! Poor pig-man.
# + talk kerrek (while he is alive)
'Me llamo Julio,' you begin... It seems only to further anger the already tempramental Kerrek. That stupid 'Learn Kerrek in 3 Weeks' cassette did nothing for you!
Now you've done it! You're covered in sticky, albeit fine smelling, mud. Your "Scalding Lake" T-shirt is all soiled, too. You just washed it last harvest!
# + look (dry)
There's a dried out mud puddle. It's all caked and cracked like the kind rock stars are always standing on.
You've not known much better than a roll in the hay alone.
You leap in the hay like a two years old boy. Uh oh. The hay sticks to your muddy body. You're a walking hay bale! Just like that one guy from that one show!
Turkey leg or no, it looks like the Jhonka's been gnawing on it.
# + look cave
Just a little cave. Calm down.
# + look fence
A standard peasant fence. Trogdor makes milk's meat outta these things.
# + look jhonka (when he's outside)
The Jhonka is gray and grody. He's got a cromagnon forehead and jaw with a pair of wicked incisors. He sports an old loin-cheese cloth and carries either a big club or one of those roasted turkey legs you got at the Ren Fest.
"The Kerrek is dead!" he cries and hops around some more. You wonder how someone this primitive could have made that much dough.
# + ask about naked ned (or) robe
"Filthy naked peasant! Stay away from my cave-hole!" Who's he calling naked? HE'S the one wearing the string bikini.
# + ask about smell
"Kerrek smell! Now Kerrek dead!" screeches the Jhonka. So you can infer from this that all smells are dead? You always sucked at the analytical questions.
# + ask about trogdor
"All hail Burninator! Trogdor Number One! Beat Peasant Tech!" says the grimy Jhonka.
# + ask about (unknown)
"Jhonka don't know nothing bout that!"
# + yes (to the Jhonka when he asks you about his riches)
'I KILL YOU!!' screams the Jhonka.
# {The Jhonka clubs you to death} (Warning: Obviously, you will die.)
Club or turkey leg, the jhonka sure just beat you senseless with whatever he was holding. You dead. Thanks for playing!
# + open door
It's locked. With one o' them SCHLAGE deadbolts, too. Those things are hard core.
# + knock (while he's inside)
A gravelly voice inside yells,
'JUST US CHICKENS'
# or
'NO FOR RENT'
# or
'I GIVE LAST YEAR!'
# or
'GAVE AT OFFICE'
# or:
'GO WAY!'
# + kill jhonka (outside)
No way! Jhonka's are born scrappers. He may be little, but he'll crawl ya.
# + get club (when he's out)
Now there's a surefire way to get yourself killed.
# + get note
It's been magically sealed to the door with a wondrously whimsical spell.
# + give riches (before jumping in hay)
The Jhonka will see you! And rip out your jugular with his teeth or something equally horrible.
Oh great! Now you can't see a thing and your head is covered in highly flammable horse grease. You better get out of here before that disgusting old man comes back.
Phew! You discard the big black pot and wipe the horse grease from your eyes. The hood of your robe is still covered in highly flammable horse grease, though.
You slide the stone over to reveal a little hole. If only you could cut off your arms, legs, and head you might be able to squeeze through!
# + put baby into the hole
Deploying Q-Baby...
Way to go, baby! It got the cottage door opened and headed off to a new life. He becomes Valedictorian of his graduating class, goes to Scalding Lake State, gets a degree in Advanced Peasantry and lands a job at Thatch-Pro: building better cottages for a better tomorrow.
You grow apart and the letters from him become fewer and fewer. He develops a severe mead problem and blames you for never being there.
Aww, how thoughtful and boring of you. Break into this peasant's home, steal his clothes, but remember to tidy up after yourself. You're a real saint. Mysterious cottage
You explain your situation to the knight. That Trogdor burninated your cottage and you've sworn revenge. You ask for passage up the mountain to settle your score. (Press RETURN to advance through conversations)
"Hang on there, Trogdorkilla," says the knight. "I can only allow actual peasants up the mountain pass to face Trogdor. And you CLEARLY are not one."
"Look, Dragonheart..."
"You don't STINK like a peasant."
"You don't DRESS like a peasant."
"And you're definitely not ON FIRE like a peasant."
"Once you're those 3 things, come back and maybe we can talk."
"Be sure to LOOK around lots. Talk to everyone you see and ASK ABOUT stuff. Type HELP if you get confused and INVENTORY to see your worldly stuff. Type SAVE or LOAD to save or load your game. Duh."
# + talk knight (with kerrek's belt)
"Frankly, Matthew Broderick, you sure stink like a peasant. But you still don't DRESS like a peasant and you're not ON FIRE like a peasant."
# + talk knight (with ned's robe, on fire or not)
"My dear Adso, you are dressed well but you don't STINK and you're not ON FIRE. Let us instead exercise our brains and try to solve this tantalizing conundrum."
# + talk knight (after acquiring Kerrek's belt and Naked Ned's robe)
"Almost there, Dirk the Daring. You stink like a peasant and you dress like one too. But you're clearly still not ON FIRE."
You're at the base of a very climbable cliff that leads to Trogdor's lair. This cliff is huge - the kind where rocks start falling down the minute you try to climb it.
# + climb
With a new determination you dig your fingers into the cliff face and begin to haul yourself up the mountain like you were in a sports drink commercial
The mountain starts rumbling and big loose boulders start tumblin down. You'd best avoid thems.
Foolish peasant! How dare you enter this fairly sacred chamber!
You explain that you're here to smote Trogdor and if he doesn't get outta your way, him too!
You cannot vanquish Trogdor! Only the Three Keepers of Trogdor hold the tools with which to destroy the Burninator. The Trog-Shield, the Trog-Helmet, and the Trog-Sword.
And the only way we'll give them up is if you answer the three Trog-Trivia questions correctly.
Unless you happen to have something to eat on ya. Then we could forego my question.
# + give sandwich
No way! I was just kidding but you've really got a meatball sub. This rules! Here, you can have the Trog-Shield.
# + (approached by second keeper)
Hold, peasant! You must answer the second dreaded Trog-Trivia question!
Or we could call it even if I had an ice cold drink right now.
# + give soda
Sweet deal, peasant. I underestimated you. Wear this Trog-Helmet with style.
# + (approached by third keeper)
Think you're pretty hot stuff, eh? Let's see you answer the deadly and pretty impossible THIRD TROG-TRIVIA QUESTION!
That is, unless you've got something for my lower back. Man, it's killin me!
# + give pills
Whoa! Where'd you find this stuff? I don't think this is even legal anymore. These babies'll definitely smote LUMBAGO the, um, LOWER BACKINATOR!!
The fabled Trog-Sword is yours. You now have the means to strike down Trogdor. Good luck, peasant.
Holy crap! Trogdor's way bigger in person than he looks in most tapestries you've seen. All of the sudden, losing your cottage doesn't seem so bad anymore.
# + look trogdor (when he's awake)
Trogdor is looming menacingly over you with a tiny wee sword stuck in his belly. He looks like he's gonna kill you really soon.
the beaded curtain slams shut behind you. There's no turning back now.
# + throw sword
This is it! You hurl the Trog-Sword with all your might at the sleeping Burninator.
Now you've done it! Trogdor's awake and the Trog-Sword doesn't seem to be doing a whole lot.
Your legs lock in fear, your eyes glaze over and you wish for some Depeasant adult undergarments. But you think you hear Trogdor whimpering!
Aw crap, that's you whimpering. At least your voice still works, I guess.
# + talk trogdor
You scream that your name is Rather Dashing and that Trogdor burninated your cottage and you're here for revenge!
"Sup, mortal," booms Trogdor. "I really appreciate you making the effort to come all the way up here and vanquish me and all. But, I'm kinda indestructible."
"Yeah, I can't be killed. I'm surprised nobody mentioned that to you. I'll admit though, you've gotten farther than anybody else ever has. I bet they'll make a statue or something in honor of you somewheres."
"I can honestly say it'll be a pleasure and an honor to burninate you, Rather Dashing."
Aw that sure was nice of him!
Congratulations! You've won! No one can kill Trogdor but you came closer than anybody ever! Way to go!
